A letter to yeye

Dear grandpa (yeye),

Mummy was in thoughts over how to better convince you to go for a body check up because of your complaints over waking up feeling breathless in the middle of the night (this is heart-related symptom). Knowing that it will not work for sure but mummy still tried telling you directly, and indeed it didn’t work. It didn’t work because you have a very dark perspective of life which somehow Mummy can connect with that because pessimism runs in her blood.

So, while thinking about how I as your dear grand-daughter would have think about losing you, great-grandmother came to mummy’s mind and it brought tears. Mummy has a lot of regrets when it comes to great-grandmother. She regretted that she didn’t spend more time with her when she’s down with Alzheimer. Mummy misses so much of her, her a bit goofy smile, her voice, the way she walks, how she would ask questions over and over again, her daze look in front of the tv, her clothes, the way her hair is done, the way she walks. Words alone cannot express how much mum owes to great grandma who takes care of her just like how ‘nai-nai’ and grandma are taking care of me now. And, mummy cannot bear to bring herself to visit great-grandma’s urn in the temple now because she thinks that it is ‘useless’ for her. It may bring some comfort to mummy by thinking that she can still do something for great-grandma. But, it can’t and mummy rather lives with the regret in her heart. Mummy is extremely upset that day when she cannot even find a decent photo of great-grandma and herself.

yeye, can you please do your best to be around me for as long as possible. Long enough for me to say thank you for your enthusiasm you display whenever we see each other in the house, your laugh whenever we meet for the weekend breakfast, the regular sheng shiong trips, the way you walk with me downstairs, the way you carry me, the way you sing me to sleep when I fell sick, the way you try to feed me all sorts of things despite mummy’s disapproval. Long enough for me to write you a note, long enough for me to sing you a song, long enough for me to draw a picture of you, long enough for me to pour you a cup of water, long enough for me to help you watch the water when you change the fish tanks.

Life is not just about living it through, waiting for the ending. Life is now about hanging around and appreciates what we have and can only have.

yeye, please do go for your check up.

Love,
Rae